Before I Forget

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This does seem like rather a lot, don't you think? Especially considering the fact that I don't really blog very much anymore (I'm drifting between Livejournal and writing in a journal that I keep under my bed, which is why I have been neglecting this blog so much).

So, what's been happening in the world whilst I've been away?

I have actually been quite busy and of course I love being busy.

(Note: I have been away from here for so long that I have forgotten the false names I have given all my friends, so please forgive me if I get them all wrong haha)

I met up with my ex today for the first time in a month. This was, as I realised too late, a bad thing to do. I am actually pretty much over him. It's been nice to have my own air to breathe rather than having to share it. I have been loving the space it has given me. Anyway, he is clearly in denial about it being very very over. Even as friends, he is still trying to manipulate me. Why? I don't know, I really don't know. It doesn't feel fair on me at all. He is still whining. "I don't know how your feelings can just disappear when you loved me last month". The truth is that feelings never disappear that quickly (of course certain things still hurt to think about) but if I say anything like that it will get his hopes up and he'll think I still love him and force me into going out with him again.

I'm starting college next week though. I seriously can't wait, despite obvious nerves. I'll be there 5 days a week which means there will be no time for ex boyfriends (thank god). Hopefully the lack of seeing me will force him to lose interest (fingers crossed).

Ooooh what else has happened in life. I made a new friend. He is called Michael. He is actually a guy who my friend likes but he seems like a decent guy and I have fun talking to him. I think it will be nice to have a male friend.

I got my GCSE results last week! It was very exciting and terrifying. Seems like everyone is getting As this year though. I got an A* for my english language and a B for my literature. I bumped into a girl I use to know years ago the other day. I told her my results and she waited for me to say the rest. "Is that it?" she said.
"Yes, that's it, just two. We have to pay over £400 for each one so we couldn't afford anymore".

I actually have 4 GCSEs, but LUCKILY I managed to get onto the courses I wanted to, even though they really wanted 5. Which means only two years at college instead of three.

I promise to start updating my blog more often. I'd forgotten how fun it is to drone on about life!

I broke up with my boyfriend.

I've been trying to for the last few months. It's been an incredibly hard thing to do. He's very controlling, very manipulative, so he'd always make me feel bad for doing it and I'd change my mind.

The night before I broke it off, I completely broke down. I told my Mum everything that had been said, and she told me to take a look at it from a third persons perspective. I did, which made me feel even worse.

I can't even read his name at the moment, it makes me want to cry. It kind of feels like a very close friend has died, which is a bit strange really considering the circumstances.

I haven't been that upset today, just a bit mopey really. I can't really relate to any of my friends, because I'm the only one who has ever had a break up like this before. So the only one I'm really talking to is my Mum, and to be honest, I think she's all I really want at the moment. Pfft, so much for growing up and dealing with it all by myself.

I haven't told my brother yet, but I'm sure he knows. I don't know how much this will effect my life, or in which ways. He is my brother's closest friend, and my Mum sees him almost like a son. I loved him, but I was so unhappy. I felt like bit by bit I was losing control over my life. And his own emotional problems made is even harder to cope with my own.

It's for the best, it's for the best.

Haha.

That's what I keep telling myself.

Give me a week, and I will have forgotten all about it.

Well what a week!

Glastonbury was absolutely fantastic. It was like being in an alternative universe. There is no vanity, no selfishness, no violence, no nothing. Maybe that was something to do with the constant weed smell in the air haha?

I have returned feeling very tired but very refreshed. My faith in the world has perhaps returned again to where it should be.

I discovered a new singer: Regina Spektor. I've heard of her before but seeing her live just did it for me. I've got a bunch of her songs now and I've had them on repeat. I also saw Newton Faulkner (who was brilliant and very funny) and a band called the Bombay Bicycle Club, who I've never heard of before but were amazing live.

The toilets though... the toilets. Nothing could have possibly prepared me for the toilets. Ok, I actually came up with a mathamatical equation of what the toilets were like:

180,000 people + lots of curry = the Glastonbury portaloos.

Oh yes.

They also had something called the "longdrop". The longdrop was a series of cubicles in a row with a large space beneath the door to let people know which ones were vacant. Inside was a piece of wood with a hole in the middle. If you look down the hole then you see a ten foot drop down to everyones lovely waste below. I heard one woman dropped her phone down there... poor thing!

I got a bad stomach when I was there, which was pretty irritating but luckily it didn't hold me back too much. I also went crazy on day two because I really wanted some space but there were 180,000 people in the way haha. I can't believe it's over. I'm desperate to get back there again. I did have to go four days without a shower though. Ew.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/glastonbury/2009/artists/reginaspektor/index.shtml#emp
(Regina Spektor. Scroll down to watch the highlights).

As the title suggests, Glastonbury is next week, and I'm going to be there.

I'm excited about it, although at the same time absolutely terrified. I'll be sharing a tent with my friend, with our families in their own tents nearby. I'm more worried about the whole toilet system though. My friend told me that she limited herself to going to the toilet only twice a day at the very most when she went last year. Sure, that's great, except for the fact that I go to the toilet to empty my bladder probably at least seven times a day. And then on top of that, when I'm nervous my bladder needs emptying all the more often so yeah... maybe we could camp by the portaloos or something. If you see anyone doing that, it'll probably be me.

Life has been very busy since I finished my exams. I was hoping it would cool down a little, but no such luck. I quite like having lots to do though. It's taking my mind off of my exam results, off of my Glastonbury nerves and off of the thought of college in September. Basically I'm keeping my mind occupied so it doesn't fill with bad thoughts.

The girl who stomped all over my brother's heart and pushed him headfirst into depression and then came back to stomp all over him again is downstairs. My brother and her have silently decided upon a truce, which means that they're friends again now. I don't believe that she could have suddenly had a change of heart, but whatever, I'm willing to accept her if she continues to be nice. My brother and her are playing a few songs to support a band next week. My brother is playing the guitar and they're both singing. I went downstairs to get a drink five minutes ago and I could hear them singing. It was surreal, it really was, and not just because it sounded really good. The song they are singing is called "If It Means A Lot To You". So my brother sings to her, "If you can wait 'til I get home, then I swear to you that we can make this last", and then she's singing, "I just feel complete when you're by my side". I think the line that did it for me was, "I swear I'll never be happy again and don't you dare say we can just be friends, I'm not some boy that you can sway."

WHAT!?

I couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry when I heard it. Who knew those words could sound so damn FAMILIAR. I wonder if they realise that they're singing about themselves.

That aside, the song is brilliant. I recommend that you have a listen. It's by A Day To Remember

Ok, well I'm feel a lot better now.

I love feeling better.

Anyway, I sat my second-to-last exam today at the school that I've been doing it all through. Although I'm educated at home, I still have to go into a school to do the actual written papers and the only one in the area was my old school and I really didn't want to go there, so I've been going to one about 10 miles away from where I live, which is a bit of a pain to get to. I had to get up at half 6 this morning so I'd be on time. I'm surprised I have any energy left.

I absolutely love the school I've been going to. After my "schoolphobia" ordeal, I thought I'd freak whenever I went near one, but this school is brilliant. Everyone is really nice and friendly, the guys are hot *ahem* and it has a really nice vibe about it (the school, not the guys, of course...) My old school was like a prison cell but this one is so open and green. So, naturally, now I want to go to the Sixth Form there.

I'm annoyed that I've started feeling like this now. The college I've applied for have said they'll have me, so there's no need to look or think about anywhere else. Maybe I've been too vague with myself with my "keeping my options open" approach. The Sixth Form offers a far wider range of qualifications that I'm interested in than the college, and now I've looked at them I've even started to doubt the ones I've chosen to do at college.

So I decided to step back and have a look at the situation from an "outsider" perspective. I want to go to college because it's so different from school, and after all it was the school environment that drove me insane. My brother goes to the same college, so we can get the bus together (pfft, can't see that happening! He'll completely shun me). Also, I see it as a means of independently pushing myself out into the world. Getting the bus by myself and doing other activities such as being a part of the college newspaper team or the radio show are stuff that I could only do at college...

I want to go to Sixth Form because it's all very arty in appearence, it's a lot smaller, people seem nice and they offer stuff like Philosophy which would be amazing to do. It would be the same length of time on the bus and they don't offer a programme which allows money off of bus tickets so we'd have to fund that somehow. But I'm thinking that I only want to go to Sixth Form because after going there to do exams for two years that it's familiar to me, and maybe I'm mistaking this "friendly atmosphere" for something that I know and have learnt to deal with, and so it's not a threat anymore, making me think it's friendly. Does that make sense? It sounds confusing to me, and I'm the one typing it...

I guess I'll have to decide sooner of later, because I'll have to send off applications and what not...

I always get like this at this time of the year. I'm drained from studying so much which forces me to get stressy at other people, which really upsets me because I don't mean to do it. I've been having late nights too because I can't seem to fit in everything I want to do into my days. And then with revision and work I haven't been seeing or talking to my friend's much which is honestly like torture.

I can't possibly describe how I'm feeling, not in words anyway. I could probably put together a bunch of strange looking gestures that would look something like what my mind is feeling but again, that's hard to do too. I'll try and explain anyway though.

It's like a crushing feeling, a helplessness. I think it's due to spending so much time indoors. I just want to curl up and be alone with all my problems 'cos really, they can't be sorted out by anyone but me. It's that... as I was sitting at the table about to write an essay, I got this urge to do something that I made myself stop doing about three years ago. I guess you could call it self-abuse, but it's so strange, something I don't think I've told anyone but my Mum and some woman from CAMHS about. It probably sounds far worse than it is, but basically I think I damaged my eyes doing it and my theory is that it's the reason why I have to wear glasses now. It scares me to feel like I want to do it again. I know it's because I'm tired but just the echo of that urge makes me want to burst into tears.

I really want to know what people think this "urge" is now. I guess is sounds like it could be anything. Seriously, it's nothing too crazy, you'd probably just think I had "issues" if I did it in public. Haha, now I'm making it sound even worse.

Anyway, I'll be fine soon, I know I will. The last of my exams are next week. I can spend the summer lying in the sun a lot and healing. The art is to forget about it. I haven't done it in three years so why would I want to do it again?

It's been 28 days since I last posted anything in here. That's almost a month. I'd like to say that loads has happened to me in that time but to be honest, nothing eventful has happened at all.

My life has mostly been revolving around exams, exams, work and... ah yes, exams. My birthday's in little over a week but I haven't even had time to think about it. It's half term the week after though so I'm hoping to go down to Plymouth and visit Tamara and we can watch Eurovision 2009 (she's going to record it) and eat pizza with skittles on (as is Eurovision tradition). Robbie wants to do something on my actual birthday but there's nothing I really want to do. Go for a Chinese maybe? He says he doesn't have any money but for the sake of good food I might just pay for it all myself. Although I doubt he'd let that happen!

To tell the truth I actually set up a blog on a different site. I've been there for... what, 4 days now, and I realised just how much I missed this site. God, I'm sad! I really lack commitment skills though, so I'm going to try really hard to keep going with this. I had to delete all posts involving Robbie though as I was scared that he'd find them now his laptop is connected to the Internet!

I went down to Plymouth yesterday on the train to meet Tamara's boyfriend with her. He was a friend of Ash's (the online boyfriend we met last year... that really takes me back) and Tamara's been talking to him for the last couple of months.

I really think Tamara is my social-drug. Whenever I'm with her I have this strange wave of confidence and power. We got a bit lost on the way into town from the train station so I asked a passing woman if she knew the way to the city centre. She did, and she said she was going that way anyway so we could follow if we wanted. Whilst Dan and Tamara were getting to know each other, I walked ahead with the woman and we got chatting. Her son was going off to university soon to do accounting, and she said it's the time when you realise that all of your friends are going in their own directions. I said, "it's when you realise that you're alone in the world." And it all went from there. She wants to work in the field that I want to work in one day: Mental Health. She did a lot of volunteering in mental hospitals and we were talking about case studies and the way people's minds work. I think I actually managed to sound intelligent for a moment or two. She was lovely, and when we came to say goodbye, I really felt like I'd done myself proud. Usually I shy away from people, but I was really pleased that I managed to hold the conversation going until we went our seperate ways.

I also got spoken to by a man (well... boy, he looked about 20) on the train, and we spoke about getting stuck in doorways and about the chances of the weather not liking his relationship with his girlfriend because it always rains when he goes down to visit her. I said, "I'm sure it doesn't mean anything, don't worry," and then his phone rang and he vanished.

It was a brilliant day. I got the train down by myself, and I found out later that I was on the same train as Dan! It was coming from upcountry, sweeping by my station on the way. I actually think that I was in the same carriage as him! What are the chances? And then we all got the bus to where Tamara lives. On the way back home in the afternoon though, I had to pass over the ferry, go on the bus and go back on the train by myself too, which was a bit daunting. I seem to be very aware that I am a vulnerable 15-year-old girl, and being alone on a bus full of men is kind of scary. You just hear these stories, you know... so you can never be too careful. I got home ok though, and found myself in a carriage with the same people I came down with, which was a bit weird.

I always imagined making a film and having this song somewhere in the middle when two characters fell in love. Awwww.

Say it's true, there's nothing like me and you
I'm not alone, tell me you feel it too

With you, my love, with you...
na ni na ni na na...
(With you, with you, with you, with you)