Before I Forget

Falling into the that beautiful thing called love (Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without each other love.)

Atrraction, Flirtation, Euphoria, Doubt, THE TRUTH (Also known as the whole big whooperdoodle, or, the most important part of this whole sloppy, thrilling, infuriating, marvellous experience.)

.....So this is love. As wonderous and scary and fabulous as it can be. It may have started with mere attraction, but where it's ended up is somewhere deeper and truer and endlessly more fulfilling.

And despite yourself, you will have learned a little something along the way. That euphoria doesn't have to be fleeting. That love can survive doubt. That a joyful instinct should never be repressed.

And so you throw yourself into love... headfirst.

Never stop falling in love.

Galaxy

My friend went clubbing last night. I phoned her and all I got was "it was awesome!", "Ayesha got off with someone!", "I danced with every guy there!". I spent my day at a bakery. I spent last night painting. Before speaking to that friend, I called my old friend Amber. She told me that she spent the other day in someone's house that she didn't know with a bunch of stoned guys. I thought 'Wow, I spent that evening walking the dog with my boyfriend."

It's not that I don't enjoy painting and bakeries and dog walks. It's just compared to their nights out, I feel like mine are lacking something. Excitement? Maybe it's just that I've matured differently from all of them. Maybe my idea of excitement is a lot different from theres. Because I don't have such huge nights out, when I do go out I enjoy it so much more. Like for example I almost died of aghhhness (there is no other way to describe it, but just know that it is a positive thing) when me and Tamara went to the Elliot Minor gig. If I went out every night like that I'm sure the experience wouldn't have been half as amazing as it was.

So basically this blog post was to comfort myself, because sometimes it needs doing and I'm the only one who can manage it.

www.rosina-wachtmeister.de

Her art is amazing. I love it. Her designs are simple compared to a lot of artists but there's something about her work that makes you want to hang it on your wall. She paints a lot of cats and every piece of art she does has strips of silver or gold in them.

I have a friend who is a Christian. She thinks that the whole world was created by God. She also believes everything that happened in the bible. Everything. She thinks that when we die we go up to Heaven and that even though I don't believe in God, that he'd still let me in.

The truth is though, I don't want to go to Heaven. That's not what I believe in. I would much rather believe that when we die, our body becomes part of the earth. I found a nice quote from a website actually, "that the molecules that go to make up our bodies may in turn be incorporated in other living entities." That's a nice thought; that when I die my body will be put to good use and yet, I'll still be at peace.

I know I probably lack real knowledge of Christianity, but I don't see what Heaven has to offer somebody like me. I know it's not all clouds and pearly gates but the way my friend described it made me feel like I'd much rather grow into a tree than be trapped in a God's Heaven that I don't trust or believe in.

I don't get how people think God can control everything and be happy with that. I believe that there is a force linked with nature and creation, but that certainly isn't like they portray God to be. A woman is a creator because she brings life into the world, so I'm wondering why they call God a "he". My boyfriend is a Pagan and he said, "I think men and woman are at an equal level, although a woman is more powerful in nature. You need a man and a woman to have a child but it is the woman after all that brings it into the world." (Ok, that wasn't EXACTLY what he said but that's my translation of it. He used far more longer words).

I'm a psychologist, like I said. So after saying all of that, I believe that a generous amount of religion is in the minds of the people, not linked to a magical force or anything whatsoever. If you're depressed, you might turn to a god because it's the only comfort around. It might make you feel better, knowing that there is someone else there. My brother temporarily turned to God when he was depressed. He carved a cross into his arm with a knife and prayed and did a bunch of other stuff but God didn't help him at all. I mean for GOD'S sake, can't you take pity on my poor suffering brother? (believe me, his stint of Christianity was gone forever after that).

The strongest belief I have is in karma. I believe that whatever energy you give out, you get back three times as hard. It's known as the Rule of Three (or the Three Fold Law) in Wicca. I've changed since I became Wiccan. I'm an amazingly nice person (and yeah, I don't mind saying that) and I feel as though I get back in my life that niceness that I give out. And it comforts me, as does to Christians the thought of Heaven and God. I like to think that if I sin, then I get punished, whereas my friend was saying that God forgives Sinners and let's them into Heaven anyway. Being Wicca, if you do sin, then karma gets you back. It's happened to everyone before, although everyone thinks of it differently. It's saying something nasty about somebody and then looking down and realising you've stepped in dog crap. It comes back in different ways and it's interesting the way it does.

You could say that I am a little biased. I don't believe in God because he has never done anything for me. He didn't help my brother and he didn't help me. I actually prayed to him for a small period of time when I was suffering at school, but I didn't get any sort of insight whatsoever from that. So I got introduced to Wicca and suddenly everything seemed to make sense. I felt so angry all of the time but I realised that I could channel out that anger into something much healthier. I learnt to relax and look deep inside myself for my answers. I soon realised that the answers I wanted were with me all along. I soon branched out my knowledge and began experimenting with Tarot cards and magick (magik? Not quite sure on the spelling of that one). I found that Tarot cards are amazingly useful for when you're feeling slightly lost. I also learnt how to protect people with energy, and was actually surprised for the first time when it worked. It was like me, a bean from the pod, had managed to make somebody's day a little happier. And at what cost to me? Absolutely nothing.

I first experimented properly with the magick with my best friend, Tamara. We were sitting in the clubhouse and it was Valentines day, and we decided to try some spells. I know it is black magick if you use magic against someones will, so we decided to try a spell that would suit everyones needs. We came up with one that made me find someone to connect to, but only if it would do good for that person too. It took us ages to think it through, but can I just say that the results were incredible. It took time, I must admit, but look at me now. I'm with my first boyfriend and he tells me over and over that I make him so happy. He's Pagan. How many teenage boys are Pagan? What are the chances? And yes, it could be coincidence. Coincidence that he also turned out to be the nephew of a man who my dad use to be in a band with when he was young. Son of a woman my dad remembers from his childhood. But really, I think it's Fate. Destiny. Magick?