I always get like this at this time of the year. I'm drained from studying so much which forces me to get stressy at other people, which really upsets me because I don't mean to do it. I've been having late nights too because I can't seem to fit in everything I want to do into my days. And then with revision and work I haven't been seeing or talking to my friend's much which is honestly like torture.

I can't possibly describe how I'm feeling, not in words anyway. I could probably put together a bunch of strange looking gestures that would look something like what my mind is feeling but again, that's hard to do too. I'll try and explain anyway though.

It's like a crushing feeling, a helplessness. I think it's due to spending so much time indoors. I just want to curl up and be alone with all my problems 'cos really, they can't be sorted out by anyone but me. It's that... as I was sitting at the table about to write an essay, I got this urge to do something that I made myself stop doing about three years ago. I guess you could call it self-abuse, but it's so strange, something I don't think I've told anyone but my Mum and some woman from CAMHS about. It probably sounds far worse than it is, but basically I think I damaged my eyes doing it and my theory is that it's the reason why I have to wear glasses now. It scares me to feel like I want to do it again. I know it's because I'm tired but just the echo of that urge makes me want to burst into tears.

I really want to know what people think this "urge" is now. I guess is sounds like it could be anything. Seriously, it's nothing too crazy, you'd probably just think I had "issues" if I did it in public. Haha, now I'm making it sound even worse.

Anyway, I'll be fine soon, I know I will. The last of my exams are next week. I can spend the summer lying in the sun a lot and healing. The art is to forget about it. I haven't done it in three years so why would I want to do it again?